Stupid Wedding Stories

[kennykodak]

okay i'm american, i can't help myself.

a few years ago (pre digital) this gal was getting married. her ex-boyfriend was disappointed that he didn't receive a wedding invitation so he called the bride to ask if he could come. after her having a cow on the phone with him, she informed him that she had two large ushers who were to lookout for him if he should appear. well he took it kind of hard. he got to the church just after the florist left and before anyone else arrived. he dug out the wick of the unity candle, replace it with a large firecracker (ala M80) and replaced the wax. everything was going as planned until the candle ceremony. the old blue haired lady was playing the organ off to the side and the newly weds lite their candle. there was a sizzle and then there was a pop. from camera position, wax could be seen clearing the first three pews. the bride wet her pants, literally. they tried to wash her dress but in the end, she had close-ups.

the only thing i know about English weddings is that the ladies like to wear large funny hats. how about it gang, is it story time?

[Ian]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

okay i'm american, i can't help myself.

a few years ago (pre digital) this gal was getting married. her ex-boyfriend was disappointed that he didn't receive a wedding invitation so he called the bride to ask if he could come. after her having a cow on the phone with him, she informed him that she had two large ushers who were to lookout for him if he should appear. well he took it kind of hard. he got to the church just after the florist left and before anyone else arrived. he dug out the wick of the unity candle, replace it with a large firecracker (ala M80) and replaced the wax. everything was going as planned until the candle ceremony. the old blue haired lady was playing the organ off to the side and the newly weds lite their candle. there was a sizzle and then there was a pop. from camera position, wax could be seen clearing the first three pews. the bride wet her pants, literally. they tried to wash her dress but in the end, she had close-ups.

the only thing i know about English weddings is that the ladies like to wear large funny hats. how about it gang, is it story time?

Ha! That story sounds plausible - is it a real anecdote or a tall story?

Big hats and little ones made from feathers seem to be the fashion here.

I can never understand why anyone would want to get married in Vegas?

Ian

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

the story is real... it happened outside of Nashville.

i was in Las Vegas attending WPPI and past several wedding chapels. there would be a wedding going on inside while the next one was forming up outside. i did one last year for two older people performed by an Elvis impersonator. if you though that Elvis was tight in his white jumpsuit, you should have seen this guy.

"if you truly love her tender, then you will never end up in heart break hotel."

this wedding was in their home, in front of their oversize velvet painting of Elvis, with their dogs "Elvis" and "Carl" (Perkins) in attendance. both the bride and groom have their PhD's...

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

okay, one more and it's somebody's else turn...

back in the 70's, back in the days of big hair (as opposed to big hats)
the bride was getting dressed in the front of a small country church. the bridesmaids were busy teasing her hair and pumping it up with hair spray. during this she opened a side door to peak out to see how many guests had arrived. the door was next to a candle stand. yep, spontaneous combustion. the girls pulled her back in the room, rolled her on the floor and stomped her hair out. they did the best that could with what they had to work with but as she past each pew, the whispered comment was "SHE'S BALD..."

[Autumn]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

It's not the story Kenny, it's the way you tell 'em!

Sorry I am of an age when weddings were (and still are in some cases) more traditional.

No, we don't wear funny hats. They are wedding hats and we look lovely in them! We still get married in churches although some prefer Register Offices and more recently Hotels can hold the wedding service.

I do think some wedding ceremonies don't appear to be too serious and that vows are taken too lightly with often sad outcomes.

How did I get into this? I think I'll slope out now and let someone else make a comment (as we have had our knuckles rapped for not contributing!) Although I think I have.

Having said all this, I have seen many weddings in Cuba, Hawaii, Las Vegas (also with Elvis) St Petersburg (Russia) and good old England too. ... ... ...

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

early eighties,
video recordings just beginning. bride contracts guy to video her wedding. small baptist church, the kind with the "bath tub" baptismal behind the alter for baptisims. space is tight with too many people in wedding party.
vantage point to get the action?
solution: moron with video camera in a frogman suit up to his knees in water.
(electric feed to camera)

you have tradition and proper breeding, we have natural selection.

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

newly weds run out of church doors through a crowd of guest throwing bird seed. young boy watching joins in, throws hands full of gravel.


later...

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

late seventies:
a couple meets in the nursing home and decides to get married. they are in their eighties. we'll call them mary and george.

mary had never married and was a devout catholic, george was catholic also. some volunteers get involved to help them out with the details. mary also dreamed of a large church wedding. she got it. they booked the cathedral for a full mass and a hall for a typical reception.

the pipe organ boldly plays "here comes the bride." all rise and turn to the doors. here comes the bride, flowers in one hand and three-pronged walker in other. half way down the aisle, her and the music take a break. after a few moments of sitting in a pew she get up and proceeds.
wedding happens.

now for the reception
mary and george are cutting the cake. george has a stroke. didn't kill him but the life squad had to take him to the hospital. the guests are all standing around wondering what to do. mary comes back in. "go ahead and enjoy yourselves, george would have wanted it that way."

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

a couple of years ago:
one of the shots that i like to take is where the bride is seated. she holds her flowers close to her face and i have two of the bride's maids stand behind her. they hold her dress up above her head so that it becomes a white background. the shot is tight and shows the bride with her flowers with a beautiful white background. in studio i copy the color flowers into memory and convert the image to black & white. then i make the image color again only it's now black & white. i paste the color copy of the flowers on top of themselves and add difussion to the whole thing. b&w photo with tinted flowers and soft focus. pretty cool.

was doing this shot in a basement room of a church one day with the bride sitting on a stool. never dreamed the minister would use the door behind her. hello...

would this be a double exposure?

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

does nothing funny happen around you guys?

stupid pet photography
early ninties:

quiet day, sitting around the studio watching the wall paper peal (not much has changed since then). gal that i know is down the street shooting pet portraits at the grand openning of a large pet care store. it's cool, not my thing. big turn out, she calls me and pleads for me to come over with film. not a problem, the wall paper can wait. i get there and have to wade through people and all manner of creatures everywhere. i make my way up to her through the crowd and she has two hunting hounds sitting on a three foot table. she tells the owner, "watch me make their ears stand up!
she makes a loud whistle and it might as well have been a starting gun. those dogs were off that table and through that crowd in a time that would make a greyhound blush. those people who were crowded together had, ("had") everykind of creature imaginable up to and including a mountain lion cub.

image the scene from noah's ark when the doors were openned, but instead of orderly two by two, noah's yelling Fire everybody out!

[Cogito]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

now that would have made an interesting shot!

OK - here's a true story from a few years ago...I'm a police officer and at that time was a sgt. We get a call to a house burglary in progress, and I turn up with two younger and fitter constables. We enter the insecure house and see two very startled burglars who make a run for it. I grab the slow fat one, while my two fit colleagues are off like whippets after the other, who my keen eye had immediately realised was NOT going to be easy to catch and is now over the garden fence and away into the surrounding streets.

Well, I cuff my prisoner and lead him out to where we have parked our car, while I listen on my personal radio to the increasingly puffed commentary as my two colleagues chase on foot in the surrounding streets.

I realise that from the radio commentary they are heading back my way - and sure enough round the corner comes a by now exhasuted burglar chased by two even more exhausted coppers (all those kebabs on nights start to kick in after about 5 minutes running!).

The second burglar just runs in to my arms and stops - two prisoners for the old sarge who is not even out of breath and none for the young pretenders who are by now on their knees with exhaustion! . Rank, age and wisdom wins again.....

Regards,

Neil

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

okay then, there is a pulse here.
from one old guy to another, i enjoyed it.

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

Part 1 of a 2 Parter, yes i'm setting one up.

i hate the wearing of a tie part big time. i had a early wedding last year. no big deal, friend of the family etc. i stayed at the reception a little too long. also had PPG's national ad campaign shoot in louisville (100+ miles away) at the same time. the guy that sells me all of my camera equipment is an old friend so i impossed on him to go down there to the street rod nationals and start shooting the national top five cars. leaving the wedding, i haul a@@ to get to the studio to change clothes and equipment and then make tracks to louisville. did i mention that i hate ties. it's just getting sundown, i'm flying on a two lane winding country road, one hand on the steering wheel and with the other i am trying to remove my "favorite" tie. it was hot that day and i shot my heart out. try to undo a wet silk tie with one hand while driving. men aren't known for "multi tasking" anyway. i had worked it up to across my face actually over one eye while rounding a bend in the road when bambi and friends run across the in front of me. i'm driving a ford explorer which isn't known lately for their ability to stay upright in a challenge. i'm not known for stunt driving either but i could have given that model another safety star for that peice of work if consumer reports was there. definetely changed my clothes and hit the road again. my heart was still beating fast when i got to louisville about midnight. job was finished when i got there.

(wait for it)

[kennykodak]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

Part 2, thanks for your patience...

what friends are for:

i started my business part time. right out of the air force in the spare bedroom of a mobile home. i was young and eager. i joined all of the professional organizations and went to every seminar in 200 mile radius. from the beginning i was hurt that no one would give me the time of day because i was nobody. i went to college at night, more and more week long courses at the national school in chicago. years later, i thought that i had arrived. i had all of the degrees in photography, 15th in the world to get master of electronic imaging. started teaching during the summers at the school in chicago. wrote technical articles, a book, quoted in others, etc. anyway yeah i thought that i was photographically hot ______.

now that i laid the groundwork for the story for those of you who were polite enough to read this far, i promise, this one is the best. i was asked to speak at the national convention down in dallas. i had done speaking gigs for photography groups around the country so it wasn't a big deal. remember my buddy the camera dealer one post up that i did the tom sawyer to? he and his wife own a big time camera dealership and often travel with me. they travel a lot for business sometimes in two different directions at the same time. to protect the innocent, let's call them lois and kent. you can call me marvin for this one.

the convention hotel was the hyatt regency in dallas. since i had an early program i chose to stay there. show hotels are always pricey so lois and kent stayed somewhere more reasonable but further away. when you are a legend in your own mind you don't spend much time in your hotel room so i gave my keys to lois and told her that when she got sick of the convention she could use my room. the woman lives for golf and tennis. and if there is a ladies pro either, she is in front of the tv. anyway i get back to the room and sure enough the ladies pro tennis tournaments are on. she stayed until the last match was over and started to leave. "marvin, can i ask you a personal question?" sure, i've known these people forever. "anything", "well kent just got back from wherever and didn't do a very good job packing, since you two are the same size, would you mind loaning him a pair of clean underwear?" pay attention here, this is the kind of man i am. "certainly"

forgot about it. month later i am out running errands, when get the back, the lady who runs my place, lets call her thelma louise, comes out as pale as a ghost, i believe in ghost by the way. she says, "i am so sorry..." what "i'm so sorry" okay already what is it, death in the family law suit, what? "i opened this package. it was a padded mailer from my friends' dealership; we get those all the time with film or whatever in them. "what's the big deal? we get these all the time." this one was marked,
"personal and confidential so what?

she laid it on desk and disappeared...
i dumped it out on my desk top, yeap you guessed it,

a pair of jockey shorts with a yellow post it not attached:

"marvin, thanks a lot, lois"

[Stephen]

Re: Stupid Wedding Stories

Haha you tell a good tale John, I enjoyed that one, bet Thelma Louise never looked at you quite the same after that